We open in St. Thomas with Nick’s poorly explained existential crisis, in which he doubts that the whole show will work out because he sent Danielle home. Â The women worry that he’s going to throw in the towel, and he talks to Chris Harrison about his doubt and ambivalence. Come on, does anyone expect us to believe that Nick is really going to give up this experienceÂ for any reason, short of decapitation? Â And of course, Nick goes to the women’s hotel and says that, despite being “in his head” which appears to be a Millennial synonym for “experiencing self-doubt,” he will valiantly power through, kind of like a Navy SEAL, and agree to continue traveling the world and hooking up with with adoring beautiful women. Â He should get a Purple Heart, or at least a purple condom. The women laugh and sigh with relief that the show will go on, and they have not lost their chance to marry Nick (and deal with the midlife crisis he will undoubtedly have in ten years where he believes he picked the wrong soulmate on this show).
The group adjourns to another island, Bimini, I think, but remember, I can only get through this show if I stick to my no rewinding policy. Â The one-on-one date card goes to Vanessa, which makes the CorinneÂ anxious because this is Vanessa’s second date and she hasn’t yet had a one-on-one.Â Â The date is on a yacht, ho hum, and Vanessa expresses herÂ concern about Nick’s ambivalence from the day before. Back at the hotel, Corinne says that Vanessa’s shtick of being a “special needs teacher with a big Italian family” is annoying. Â Unlike herÂ “spoiled heiress Daddy’s girl” routine, which is super original.
On the yacht, Vanessa says that Nick is someone that she envisioned but never thought she’d meet,Â and then they snorkel and make out. Â At dinner, she tells the camera that she is planning to tell him that she loves him tonight, and she knows he feels the same way. Â She leads in with how they have done many “firsts” together, like snorkeling, and there are many more to come, like possibly threesomes, I guess. Â She tells Nick she loves him, and Nick kisses her hand and says he really likes her, and when he next says I love you, he wants it to be like he’s saying it for the first time, because he thinks there is a bigger love out there for him than he has felt for previous women. Â Vanessa is hurt, and tells the camera that she thought that his relationship with her was special, and that he would respond that he loved her too. Â Except YOU’RE ON THE BACHELOR, fool.
Group date. Â Corinne, Raven, and Kristina go sailing with the Nickster, who arrives in some bizarre flowered short shorts. Â Corinne and Kristina disrobe down to their bikinis, and Nick starts rubbingÂ suntan lotion into Kristina, which massively irritates Corinne. The activity du jour is swimming with sharks. Â I predict that he gets rid of Raven on this date, because she’s not super smart. Â Neither is Corinne, obviously, but I don’t know if the producers are going to let him get rid of her, and she also has probably given Nick a secret hand job already.
Dinner date. Â We find out a couple of interesting tidbits, like that Raven’s dad had lung cancer, which dissuaded her from continuing law school, so she is potentially less dumb than she appears, in that she could get into law school. Â Corinne expresses her anxiety to Nick and he reassures her by making out with her. Â Nick criesÂ for some reason to Kristina, and they make out. Â He needs to learn to go more than ten minutes without crying, though. Â Raven gets the group date rose, which is obvious since she mentioned a sick parent, and that means that she’s goingÂ on the hometown date for sure! Â Nick and Raven dance and kiss at a concert after she gets the rose, and the other two discarded women pout alone.
One-on-one with Danielle the boring neonatalia nurse. Â That was a typo for neonatal because I’m so used to to typing Natalia, the name of my oldest child, but it looks like a complex Latin word for a disease so I’m leaving it. Â They play basketball with some random kids,Â who I hope got paid for their participation on this show. Â Then they sit and gaze out at the water, but they don’t seem to have very deep conversation, and, as I continue to point out, she is as boring as lint, so I hope he gets rid of her. Â At dinner, they talk about getting to know each other and he brings up hometown dates and her dead fiancee. Â She says that she hasn’t introduced any guy to her family since the dead one, and continues, “I want you to know that my heart is very open. Â And it’s very open to you.” Â WTF. Â Then she says that she is scared because she doesn’t know how he feels, and looking at his face, I know how he feels. Â He tells her thatÂ he has experienced “longing” and “burning desire” in the past with others, and he wants it with her, but his heart can’t get there. Â Whoa, that wasn’t necessary. But it’s true, her reserve and boringness doesn’t lend itself to passionate obsession.
Danielle cries and leaves. Â She says that she wishes he would return and say he made a big mistake, but no such luck. Â The other girls hug her goodbye, and Raven says how shocked she is. Â Corinne says that Nick is unpredictable and she needs to make sure that she gets a hometown date, so she’s going to sneak over and see him. Â She puts on her full seductress regalia, including Louboutin heels and black skinny pants. Â She knocks on his hotel room door. Â He offers her a nightcap, while her voiceover says that she “knows how to turn on the sex charm.” As soon as the conversation falters, which is fairly soon since she’s an idiot, she starts to kiss him to make up forÂ it. Â She tells the interviewer that her heart is gold but her “vaginne is platinum.” Â She adjourns with Nick to the bedroom, where we hear her tell Nick to massage her boobs, I think, but then he stops the party and says that he doesn’t think this is a good idea. Â This throws Corinne into aÂ frenzy of self-doubt and insecurity, which doesn’t look cute.
Rachel’s one-on-one. Â They go a bar known for noÂ tourists, which isÂ not too believable, since they’re there. Â Nick asks if he’s the first white guy that Rachel will have brought home, and she says yes, and he resolves to call her dad, “Sir” and not his first name. Â Then they make out. Â It seems that Rachel continues to be a front runner, and when she returns to the hotel, Corinne almost has a panic attack about her own uncertain status.
Nick tells Chris Harrison that he knows who he wants to eliminate, but he wants to do it before the rose ceremony out of respect for this person. Â Then Nick walks to the women’s hotel and asks to speak to…. Kristina, of all people. Â That was a curveball! While he speaks to Kristina, Corinne freaks out wondering if Kristina is getting eliminated or not. Â Outside on the veranda, Nick cries yet again, and tells Kristina that he feels love for her but he is not in love with her. Â She says, “You didn’t give me a fair chance.” Â He says, “There are stronger relationships right now in the house.” Â They both cry. Â Then he walks away, and the women comfort her back in the house. Â Poor Kristina says that she never pictured her life with anyone else before Nick, and cries as the limo drives away.
Next week: “hometown dates are on the line and you won’t believeÂ what Nick decides,” another woman returns to confront Nick, and Nick trods solemnly through the snow in a suit, which indicates that they have left St. Thomas for somewhere less enviable. Â Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Kristina Will Be Shoveling Dudes Away From Her Door After She Gets Home.
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